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Crap. I'm sad.
16 January 2006, 22:29
The Used - Under Pressure
I'm sad today. It's interesting how I never really say that out loud but today I am sad. And I have reason to be too. I try to get my mind of the things that make me upset but of course they don't work. My mind is like that. The harder I try to forget something the more it sticks to it. Stubborn little ass. There's just no escaping this crazy mind of mine. It absorbs everything and just won't let me forget. It doesn't help that I'm really really really obsessive too. Like extremely. I can obsess and bitch about something for so long and not even get sick of doing it. No matter how many circles I go around I'll do it. Maybe that's some sort of therapy right there. I wish it is. It just doesn't seem to work though. I still think about it. Maybe that's the point? See this is me going around...
You know how sometimes you get really really tired and when you lie down in your bed you fall asleep right away? Well that hardly ever happens to me. Hardly. It takes me a while to get to sleep. That's why I always need a book of some sort to put me to sleep. These days though I find myself trying to tire myself so that when I sleep I don't have to think. Think about anything. At all. I try to push myself until I can barely stay awake before I go to sleep so that when I get to bed I just get my blanket and off to dreamland I go. Good thing too cause I hardly ever dream. Or at least I don't remember if I dreamt. I have bad memory for things like that. Everything else, all the painfully embarrassing and just the painful? Yeah still got that in my head. Stupid stupid mind of mine. Anyways... there. I just can't bring myself to sleep early. Which is saying a lot cause I usually am in bed by 11. Hahaha. How early is that? I'm such a baby. I've just never been good at staying up late. I'm more of start the day early and end early kind of person. That doesn't make me a morning person though cause I'm still really grumpy most mornings. I just like to get started early. But lately I can't even end my day early. I usually sleep past one these days. And while that might still seem normal for most people, well, the brat in me can't take it any longer. I long for the days that I can't wait to get to bed because I have some really good thoughts. I'm the type of person who likes to replay things over and over and over in her head. Really I do. I kind of imagine events in different angles, in different perspectives, embellish it a bit, remove embarrassing parts. Kinda like movie editing, only in the mind. Everyone knows I'm pretty much useless when it comes to real editing. Stupid computers. Except for my mac. I love my mac. I think it's my most favorite thing in the whole wide world. Seriously. I do take care of it pretty well. It's even got a name! Jack the mac. Stupid huh? I think it's funny. Hahaha. So there.
Wow I really like to get off topic huh? I guess I do that a lot. I seriously think I can talk and talk nonstop. Oh wow I'm listening to Taking Back Sunday and just heard this line "remember more than you'd like to forget". How appropriate is that? Seriously that is like the song of the moment for me! And how appropriate too cause it's Taking Back Sunday and I'm feeling a bit pretentious, writing this. I don't really like to write about my feelings. I do like attention but that doesn't really mean I enjoy it. It kinda feels good though. Like I feel lighter already from writing just these few paragraphs of nonsense. Wouldn't it be fun if I wrote everyday? Maybe I'll try to do that. Hahaha. Right. Everyone knows I can't follow through. Loser that I am.
I guess I can be pretty self-deprecating. Who knew? I always thought I was this really superficial conceited girl. I might be that but I dont know. My insecurity kills me. Waaaah. People tell me I shouldn't be insecure cause it's a waste of time. Right. As if I didn't have the time. All I have is time. Damn. I definitely need to get out more. Alright I'm on my way out now. Now seriously. Right. Hahahaha.
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